One Year Later

April 20, 2026

One year ago today, I embarked on the biggest journey of my life. I took my first steps on the dirt trail that would become my home for 140 days and nights. I was finally done with all the planning, the worrying, and the scrambling to make this adventure a reality. All I needed to do now was put one foot in front of the other (approximately 6 million times.)

Also, one year ago today, shortly after making it to Lake Morena, my first campsite on the Pacific Crest Trail, my worst nightmare became a reality. My best friend in the entire universe was gone. My baby, my brother, the little cat who I would do absolutely anything for, had taken his final breaths alone, hundreds of miles away.

I still can’t completely shake the feelings of guilt, regret, and shame. Did I make a mistake? Was I so caught up in my stupid fucking dream, that I forgot what was actually the most important to me? Should I have waited? Would it have happened anyway?

In the end, I have to remind myself that those questions are ultimately irrelevant and unproductive. Cappy is where he is and I am where I am. We had 18 beautiful years together and I know he enjoyed them just as much as I did.

Hiking for 4 months didn’t make the pain go away, but it did help me to reframe it and to find strength in the trauma. The thought of Cappy watching over me during my most trying times on trail gave me courage. Knowing he wasn’t alone and confused anymore gave me relief. Remembering all the amazing adventures we had together brought me peace and comfort. Cappy’s loss certainly wasn’t a first for me, (I lost my mother 10 years ago, as well) and it certainly won’t be a last, but it will forever shape how I grieve.

That being said, I’ll keep walking. Life throws us curveballs when we least expect it. Regardless of why or how things like death happen, they just do. And when those things happen, we have two choices – do we stop or do we keep going?

I choose to keep going. It’s what Cappy would have wanted, what my mother would have wanted, and really the only thing that makes any sense in this confusing world.